This post is about to get really real. Like… fo real. Fo really real. Ok I’m done.
I’m going to just come out and say this: from December to March I was depressed. I was binge eating and overexercising. This is the real reason I fell off the blogosphere — I felt like such a hypocrite trying to preach health and fitness when I was doing the complete opposite of what I knew I should be doing. I was SO down on myself when I’m normally such a happy and positive person. I didn’t know how to deal with this!
Why am I feeling this way? How can I fix it? Why isn’t it changing? Why am I sitting around feeling sorry for myself?
It was like I was stuck in a deep, dark hole. And looking back, I see that hole didn’t form overnight.
I’d try to assess and fix the “issue” every single day. Is it my job I’m unhappy with? Is it the environment I live in? If I could only change something, THEN I’d be happy. Hmm, doesn’t this sound all too familiar (once I lose weight, THEN I’ll be happy…)?
Really, it wasn’t one particular thing. I was sucked into the negativity of multiple situations in my life. Then I started gaining weight, which made me even MORE depressed because over the summer I was looking and feeling better than ever. Trust me, I’m not blaming anyone here. These problems are issues that needed to manifest themselves because ultimately, life has a way of teaching us lessons in these hard times.
So what changed?
Well, for starters I realized I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I was 10 lbs. heavier when I stepped on the scale. I was working out like a mad woman to compensate for eating so much. I was trying to fix weight issues with a stupid fat-loss challenge on top of all that, after preaching moderation and balance to myself and to you all for so long. I even considered competing, thinking that a hardcore diet would fix all my problems and make my life better. Silly Jules.
Gah, looking at those posts almost makes me cringe. But you know what? I’m not ashamed of them. It’s just proof that I’m human — that I make mistakes; that sometimes I stray from what I believe in my heart to be true (moderation, balance, a happy life). Sometimes you just need a big ‘ole slap in the face from Mr. Life to remind you of those things :-). I mean really though, if you look at the difference in my posts from December to March — as sporadic and inconsistent as they were — you’ll be able to tell that my head was literally ALL over the place and you were probably saying to yourself, “UMM WHAT IS SHE THINKING?,” just like I was.
Do you see where I’m going here? I didn’t even recognize myself! I guess you could call it a 22-year-old crisis… Whatever it was, it sucked.
The ultimate lesson here: I learned to give up control.
I learned to trust God. I became closer to him than ever because without him, I honestly don’t know how I could’ve made it through some days. I cried more than I ever have in my life (I’m talking weeping sobs here, people, not cute cries), I ate more than I ever have in my life, and I exercised more than I ever have in my life to compensate. But I also prayed more than I ever have in my life. I relied on family and friends more than I ever have in my life, whereas in the past I would try to handle the situation on my own.
My whole life I’ve thought I could do everything on my own. And I never would’ve realized I couldn’t if I hadn’t gone through this. As deep and dark as those times were, I’ve come out so much happier. I’m willing to ask for help. I’m willing to give my problems up to God. I’m willing to accept the fact that I can’t do it all on my own. And I’m OK with that.
P.S. I’m literally about to cry after writing this. I always say I’m blessed with the ability to look at my life from an outsider’s perspective. At the time, as with many situations in life, I couldn’t possibly understand WHY any of this was happening and why I wasn’t able to find my way out of the hole that I dug so deep for myself. But, in the end, you’re able to see exactly why things happened and the lessons you’ve learned from it. While painful, I’d never give up those tears, moments of weakness and vulnerability, or stupid decisions for anything because they taught me something I would’ve never learned otherwise — how to give up control.
And last but not least…