The Real Reason I Haven’t Been Blogging

It’s been a crazy past few months.

I graduated from college, transitioned from part- to full-time at my job and have picked up teaching more group exercise classes in the process.

I could blame my lack of blogging on the fact that I was busy; the fact that I write for a living and feel burnt out by the time I get home at night; the fact that I’m trying to adjust to an 8-5 schedule while teaching on the weekends.

While all of these reasons are valid and true, there are much deeper things going on that have been stealing my happiness. It’s time to share the deeper reasoning behind my absence, in order to be transparent with you all and start the healing process for myself.

I’ve written about binge eating in the past. I’ve also written about ways to stop overeating. So, when I began overeating again toward the end of the semester, I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world having a health and fitness blog. I was exercising to the extreme, depriving myself and then binging, and doing all the things on my blog I recommend NOT doing. So, you can see why it’s hard to find something to write about when I feel like I know what I’m talking about, but can’t even apply it in my own life.

I didn’t want to come across as a hypocrite. And honestly, I was embarrassed. As much as I try to be transparent and vulnerable on the blog, I had trouble even admitting I was falling back into the same cycle I was once victim to.

However, this time around I’d say the disorder stemmed not from how I look (as it did before), but more about eating to avoid certain feelings. Stress, loneliness and my life being out of control are a few of the emotions that I didn’t even know I was feeling at the time. Why? I didn’t let myself feel them. I ate or exercised instead. I was treating my problems like a light switch — if I could just eat or exercise, those problems would magicially “turn off” and silence themselves in my head.

But neither eating nor exercise made those problems go away. I was still numb to any emotions, never letting myself cry or feel upset when I needed to the most. It’s a sad thing, honestly, to be surrounded by such a powerful support system and still feel so alone at times for NO reason.

Then the medical problems began. I was lightheaded, spacey and having an “out of body” feeling for months. Because I wasn’t eating enough for as much as I was exercising, my period stopped. (TMI, but this is how serious it got).

I often speak about the ways God is working in my life. I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully created in His image, and it is shameful to me that I treat my body the way I do sometimes. Again, I didn’t want to come across as a hypocrite and someone who talks about why we shouldn’t worry about the way we look, but can’t live it herself.

So, I stopped blogging. I needed to work on myself internally before I came back to share my experiences with you. I didn’t want my posts to display a list of problems and offer no solution.

But if you know me, you know I find a silver lining in everything, so here’s an update (a bulleted version since this post is already so text-heavy):

  • I went to the doctor and found out I’m eating HALF as many calories as I should be. Yes, HALF. Honestly, it scares me that I’m going to have to DOUBLE what I eat every day in order to sustain my energy and work my way back to optimal health. The good side? My blood work is awesome, aside from the fact that I have extremely low blood pressure and blood sugar levels. (I did my blood work right after I ate lunch and my blood sugar levels were still below fasting levels).
  • I’ve found a beautiful friend and someone I can confide in who has gone through similar situations with an eating disorder. She’s an angel in my life and has provided unyielding support.

Writing this post is raw, vulnerable and emotional. However, the reason I have this blog is in hopes of reaching out to people going through similar hardships in their life. We’re all in this together, and I want to be 100% transparent with you throughout my journey to become the best “me” possible. While I’m scared to hit “publish” after writing this, I wanted you all to know that just because someone may seem healthy on the outside, doesn’t mean they are on the inside. If you notice any of the same attributes in your family or friends, please reach out a helping hand. My relationships with God, my friends and family are what saved me and helped me come to this realization.

It’s funny because I’ve always joked that I was blessed with the ability to look at my life from an outsider’s perspective. I’m able to see there’s something wrong before I actually feel it. For example, I’d tell my mom, “Mom, I have an eating disorder/exercise addiction. I need help,” knowing the validity of that statement in all seriousness but never actually crying or feeling any emotion about it.

Hopefully this blog post is a step in the right direction — toward my healing and the rekindling of my love of sharing my life with you all.

If you’re going through something similar and don’t feel like you have anyone to confide in, PLEASE contact me at healthnutjulie (at) gmail (dot) come. I will gladly be your shoulder to lean on :-).

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45 thoughts on “The Real Reason I Haven’t Been Blogging

  1. So sorry about your past few months, I’m sure this post IS the right direction for you. Starting with how real and honest this post is<3 You are never alone ❀ The best way to get by something so deep is to take a step back & analyze. This way you can see things in bigger perspective. There is always a silver lining in my book, glad your back XO

    • Thanks, girlfriend. Glad to be back also πŸ™‚ When I hit publish it seriously felt like I weight was lifted off my shoulders. The more people I share it with, the more people I can hopefully help. xoxo

  2. Wow, how strong of you to let your “blogger wall” down and let us all know what’s been going on. We’re all here to support you! Thank you for being so honest, you’ll really help others. Good luck with recovery and tackling your schedule, you can do it!

    • Aww, thanks Alison! I definitely feel much better since this post was written.. I had a dark period there for a while but I’m back in the swing of things and feeling like myself again πŸ™‚ Thanks for your support!!! xox

  3. All the best in your healing process. 2013 was a big year of change for me and really balancing out my life and become a lot healthier. Blogging was a really helpful outlet for this… And to be honest now I feel ‘healed’ and don’t know what to write about! Haha but surely a testament (for me) to the powers of writing πŸ™‚

    • Haha I love that so much! I avoided writing because I didn’t want it to seem like I was trying to be super negative… I was just going through a really tough time and needed to sort through some things internally before coming back to my little space on here. But now I’m on the road to being in a much better place and I’ve realized how much this blog (and support from people like you!!) brings me sooo much joy and happiness. Thanks for your encouragement… I’m so blessed by people like you! πŸ™‚ xoxo

  4. Wow I can relate to this 100%. I go through phases where I’m doing really well with food and then times where I don’t do as well. It’s hard to admit it and binging is one thing I’m not as open about on my blog as I am with other things. I began falling prey to that again at the end of the semester as well and in spurts throughout winter break. It’s a stressful time. I’m always shocked by the calories. It’s hard to accept that we need so many calories but it’s true. I’m glad you acknowledged you needed to do something and are back on track!! Know that you are not alone in this and it’s something I definitely struggle with. Finding the right balance is so, so difficult and I’m amazed by people who have it! I’m sure that others besides me found this post so refreshing and honest and if you ever want to vent, feel free to email me as well!

    • We are all a work in progress and I’m so happy to have someone to relate to πŸ™‚ It was definitely a dark time for me but I’m beginning to find balance (hopefully for good this time). Thanks so much for your support!!! You’re the sweetest and I’m always here for you as well! Please don’t hesitate to email if you need anything or feel stuck in that trap!! xoxo

  5. Replying in thankfulness for people like you that are willing to be so transparent about your struggles. I definitely struggle with some issues like this and try to look to God each time. Prayers for you as you’re getting back on track. You’re beautiful!

    • Aww thanks girl! I try. This was definitely hard for me to post but I really felt the need to be transparent in order to help others who are overcoming the same issues. It definitely is a God thing, which I’ve been learning a LOT about lately. It all stems from trust and giving up control so that I’m able to be fulfilled by things other than food and exercise. Have you read the book Craving Grace? Absolutely amazing! It’s saving me right now. You’re so beautiful too, my love!!! xoxo

  6. Julie, I commend you for being so brave! It’s hard to be completely truthful with things like these, especially being a “healthy living blogger.” Just know that I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. Something I’ve never really admitted, in person or in the blogosphere (but I’ll tell to you) is that I struggled with disordered eating/body dysmorphia (both undiagnosed) for 2-3 years of my life. I wish I had the support and someone to talk to. You are so strong in admitting and recognizing you had an issue and I know this post will give confidence to others that might be struggling too! Just know that you are so loved.

    • GIRL I MISS YOUUUU!!! Yes, I definitely can relate to the “undiagnosed” thing because I didn’t realize that I had a problem, and sometimes struggled with feeling like I was “making up” the problem? If that makes sense. And you do have the support and someone to talk to… MEEEE!! Email me if you ever need anything. I gave up social media for Lent but I’m happy to give you my phone number if you’re ever really struggling and feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to. Trust me, I’ve been there…. So much love to you girl!!! We’re in this together ❀

  7. This is such a beautiful post and you’re such a beautiful person, both inside and out. I think every blogger goes through this every once in a while–I was actually just thinking about this this morning when I signed into my (old, still as of yet undeleted) MyFitnessPal account for the first time in so many months and entered my breakfast because I was feeling bad about the amount of unhealthy food I ate the day before (the day of a half marathon, of all days…you’d think I’d give myself a little more leeway). I also realized that that’s why I haven’t really been blogging about eating disorder recovery/binge eating/everything else recently–I’ve still had some residual things (for lack of a better word…) that plague my life every now and then that I feel bad talking about because people do look to me for advice. The important thing is to keep on doing what you’re doing–stay positive and realize that things CAN get better and they WILL. I’m always here if you need anything ❀

    • Beth you are SO sweet!!! And I can completely relate to your lack of blogging because people look to you for advice thing… I stayed away from it until I was able to feel like I was in a “better place,” both physically and emotionally. It’s still a learning process but I didn’t want this to turn into some negative atmosphere so I just avoided it for the most part until I was able to regroup and figure out some things internally. I’ll definitely be posting about that soon because it was a dark place and I’m doing much better now, and I hope to help others discover the light as well πŸ™‚ Thanks for your encouragement and support. It means the world to me!

    • Exactly!!! Amen to that. It was definitely a “down” moment but I’m happy so say I’m on the way up again πŸ™‚ Life can only keep us down as long as we let it! Thanks for your support!!

  8. Thank you for being so honest on here. I can imagine the anxiety you felt posting this, but the thing is we are all here rooting for you. I have enjoyed reading your blog so much, and I will continue to be here to read even if you feel you need more time off. The most important thing is that you are happy and healthy, and I am glad that you realized you weren’t in a good place. It takes a lot of courage to make those first steps. xo

    • Hey girlfriend I’ve missed ya!!! Thanks for rooting for me. Hopefully we’re still blog friends even though I’ve been MIA lol.. I definitely was in a dark place and needed to get my life situated before I came back on here. I’m in a much better place since this post and can’t wait to share πŸ™‚ Thanks for your support my love <3333

  9. This is a fantastic post and it must feel good to just say it and get it out there. I’m glad that you’ve taken steps to better this and know that we’re all here for you. We all have set backs, so don’t feel like you’re alone.

    To post this shows how strong you truly are.

  10. Thinking about you, pretty girl. It’s easy to slide back into those habits. Know that your body wants you to be healthy and beautiful and listen to it – sometimes it’s hard to, but when we stop trying to control it, everything works out.

  11. Oh sweetie! I can COMPLETELY relate to this! Just a couple of weeks ago, I had the first binge I’ve had in a long while and it totally caught me by surprise. And then it happened AGAIN the next day. It wasn’t until I took the time to sit down and reflect on things that I was able to see the stresses in my life that I was having problems with but trying to “ignore them away”. It’s like how they refer to it in the IE book…the “special gift”…it’s hard to see the punishing feeling of a binge being any sort of gift at the time, but it really is…you just have to know how to accept it!

    I know how hard this post must’ve been for you to publish, but I’m so proud of you for being so honest with everyone…and more importantly, YOURSELF! Remember, if you ever need an ear (or I guess I should say an eye), I’m just a quick email away! Big BIG hugs to you, beautiful! πŸ™‚

    • Ahh yes… ignoring them away. Totally familiar with that. I remember reading your post about bingeing and feeling so relived because I’m not alone in this. Sometimes it’s hard for me and I struggle with the fact that I blog about healthy living, so I should be healthy myself, but it’s completely a process and a work in progress. Thanks so much for your sweet words!!

  12. I hope you realize how strong you are because it takes a lot of guts to recognize there is a problem and actually make the necessary changes to fix it. I have no doubt that you will overcome this and will come out even stronger on the other side! You have a strong support system of God, family and friends (including blogger friends –> like me! ;)) that will help you through all of this. You can do this!!!

    • Thanks girlfriend! I appreciate the support πŸ™‚ I realized quickly that it was happening because I wasn’t eating enough to fuel my workouts on a regular basis, so I’d go a few days really low cal and then my body would NEED something to sustain itself. So happy I realized it and I’m working toward becoming a healthier version of myself πŸ™‚

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  14. I’m so proud to have you as my daughter. You’re so beautiful on the outside, but on the inside, you are truly a Gorgeous, Loving, Caring, Thoughtful, Funny and Amazing woman ❀
    We’ve been through 22 years together and this is just a bump in the road, that you can conquer! I’ve watched you struggle and make some very hard decisions in the last few months. But to openly talk about what was really happening to you personally, on your blog, is the best decision you’ve made.
    I know so many young people are dealing with these same issues. And it’s very hard to admit to others and to yourself.
    But, this is a new beginning for you. You’re learning to take back control and are also helping others who may have the same issues.
    I’m so Proud of you.
    You’re a very strong woman and I’ll always be here for you, the good and the bad.
    I love you more than you’ll ever know.
    Your, Mama ❀

  15. Just found this blog, but I can tell I am going to become a regular reader. Not only are you a wonderful writer, it’s clear that you are open, honest, and committed to your values. Thinking of you as you work towards getting healthy.

  16. Very late to write this as behind on my blog reading. I want to say you are so damn brave for having the courage to front up and be honest about getting the help you need.

    Here for you always whatever you need. Take the time you need to work on yourself and getting your inside right and we will all be here for you when you get back ❀

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  21. Julie, I was sadden to read this, but I am glad you’re doing better. However, it is okay to come to us with your problems and not have a resolution beforehand. We are here to help you, like you would be there to help us.

    You make a great point that poeple can look great on the outside but be going crazy inside. Just remember I am here for you FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!

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